Important Life Tip

Never steal an esky* from a hospital in the hope that it will contain beer.

*An esky is a device used to keep beer cold.  Also, livers.

It's Amazing What They Can Do These Days

She Can Scream 'Oh God' in So Many Forms of Communication

If He Were Alive, Tolkien Would Get This.

Germany's Solar Panels Could Power the Whole of Australia

On Friday Germany's solar panels had a peak output of over 22 gigawatts.  Yesterday at noon the whole of Australia used 22 gigawatts of electric power.  Germany's solar capacity could power our entire continent.  Or at least it could on sunny weekends.

Prices Are Not The Only Things That Can Be Slashed

I Thor I Thor a Nick Fury

Mmm...Barrel Scrapings...

It's Almost As If She Doesn't Want Her Breasts To Be Flopping Out In The Middle Of Combat

When I saw The Avengers movie, I didn't realise that the actress playing Black Widow was Scarlett Johansson because I assumed that if it had been her, her costume and the camera work would have been much more exploitive.

At Least It's Better Than Having a Boob Window

It's an Ill Wind That Blows No One Any Good, Except Thai People Who Get to Not Drown

Oh good.  It's a windy day here in South Australia and it's neither very hot nor very cold, so now I can use my laptop without drowing Thai people.  Thank you wind power.

Impulse Purchase

Rumi Ruminations

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
Tomorrow I will be a genius and say, "Meh.  Screw it."

At Least Yours Aren't Radioactive

An Affront to Gods

I must say, I am enjoying it, lording it over all my puppets.  The members of my puppet government tremble at my approach.  Provided of course, I stomp on the floor hard enough as I do so.

But there is something I forgot to mention.  A week or two ago I wrote that one of my cars had been stolen, but it turned out it had actually been towed away by the local council.  When I confronted them about this and asked them why my car had been towed they said it was because it was an affont to god.  I asked them which god, and they said, "Take your pick."

So now I am engaged in theological study, attempting to find a god that approves of hot pink edsels with a purple metallic stripe and a rotting leg on the bonnet covered in chunky custard.  If you're aware of any, let me know.  (And if you worship one, let me know so I can stay away from you.)

Your Hands Are Cold!

It's Lonely at the Top

I feel no need for human company and so rarely seek it out.  However, it has occurred to me that rather than indicating a lack of need for human contact, this may actually represent a deficiency in my ability to detect a lack of human contact, similar to my inability to detect a low level of oxygen in my interstitial fluid which tends to cause me to pass out during nitrous oxide parties.  (Parties that I hold alone with my vast collection of puppets.)  So it is possible that I may actually need vitamin social interaction and may be deficient in it, but I am oblivious to this fact.  

I pondered what to do about this for several minutes and considered going out and meeting people and talking to them and forming the social relationships that are called friendships, but I decided that was too much effort.  Instead, I decided it should be much easier to merely become like the type of person who has their need for social interaction fulfilled in a very shallow, superficial way.  A way that I could replicate artificially with puppets.  And it occurred to me that the people with the most superficial relationships tend to be leaders.  Particularly the egomaniacal ones.  So, to fulfil my potential need for social interaction, I have made myself the leader of a puppet government.

I shall be a shallow, manipulative, and egomaniacal leader, and I shall rule with an iron fist.  But only the one iron fist, mind you.  I shall need the other hand free to operate my Prime Minister or other members of Parliament, as the need calls for it.

Get With the Times, Captain!

Political Correctness Gone Wild!

Today a poultry farmer was arrested at the Wonwoomba Royal Agricultural Show simply for asking a woman if she would like to see his cock and pullet.  Fortunately the local police had the good sense not to charge him for using these perfectly normal agricultural terms in an agricultural setting.  Instead he will only be charged for taking his penis out in public and waving it around.

We Haven't Had the Heart to Tell Him the Truth

German Installed Solar PV Under $2.30 a Watt

According to Germans, installed solar PV in Germany now costs under $2.30 a watt.  That's pretty damn cheap.  For most Australians solar at that cost would provide electricity at about, um... Now what's that economic rule of thumb Ned Kelly taught me?  Oh yeah, 10% of the initial cost of the system to account for capital costs and depreciation, divided by kilowatt-hours produced per year.  That gives a cost of about 13 cents per kilowatt-hour for most Australians, or roughly half of what Australians currently pay.  It is obvious that Australia is going to get a large chunk of its electricity from solar in the not very distant future and I am continually surprised by the large number of people who don't seem to realise this. 

Thor Needs to Work on Developing Team Spirit

I'm a Kind Soul

I don't want to hurt anyone.  I just want to set them on fire.  It's not my fault that these are mutually exclusive goals.

Actually, I have some more to say on the Avengers.

Well, I went and saw the Avengers movie yesterday, but I don't think the movie I saw was quite the same as the one everyone else saw, so it's probably just as well that I paid for my ticket with counterfeit money.  For example, the movie I saw had the following dialogue:


BLACK WIDOW:  You'd better get inside, it's going to get hard to breath out here pretty soon.

BRUCE BANNER: Since that's an ambiguous statement and this is a comic book movie, I assume you're telling me this aircraft carrier can fly?

BLACK WIDOW:  That's right.  We realised our enemies would always attack our weakest point, so to prevent that we've incorporated weaknesses into our millitary hardware so extreme our enemies would never dream they exist.  For example, building an aircraft carrier that has the main mode of failure of plummeting from the sky.

BRUCE BANNER:  Brilliant!  And I see that if it was attacked, any debris would immediately be sucked into those giant fans that are keeping it aloft.  Excellent work incorporating weaknesses there.

BLACK WIDOW:  Thank you.

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NICK FURY:  Stark is working on a source of limitless clean energy, which is something this world sorely needs.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  If the world is hard up for energy, did you think of using whatever power source is holding this freaking aircraft carrier up in the sky?

NICK FURY:  Er, no I didn't.  I feel kind of stupid now.

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BRUCE BANNER: Tell the universities to put their spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  You have no idea what a spectrometer is, do you?  What the fuck happened to America's education system while I was sleeping?  

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NICK FURY:  Our flying aircraft carrier is going down!  Get us over water!

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So you not only decided to make the aircraft carrier fly for no reason, you also decided to fly it over a populated area while it was holding the guy who turns into the Incredible Hulk and another guy who is an evil god.  You know, I'm starting to think that Benedict Arnold was onto something.

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STARK: I'm going to shout orders at you about how to repair this machinery.  I hope you don't mind.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  My name is America.  I think I'm used to being bullied by industrialists by now. 

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THOR:  I am plummeting towards the ground inside a glass cylinder!  I must smash my way out before I hit the ground because that will completely change the force with which I impact!  Remember kids, Newton was a liar!

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STARK: The barrier is make of pure energy!

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  What is pure energy?

STARK: Well, since energy equals mass by light speed squared, I guess matter is the purest form of energy.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So the barrier is made of matter then?

STARK:  Er, yes.  Wibbly wobbly blue matter.

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POLICE OFFICER:  Why should I take orders from you?

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  (Kills half a dozen foes in hand to hand combat)

POLICE OFFICER:  Are you really sure that you want Captain America, even indirectly, to be making the arguement that might makes right?  Seeing that it's the 21st century and all I was hoping for something a little more nuanced than, 'we should obey Mister America because he's good at killing people'.

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BLACK WIDOW:  Your an astounding shot with a bow and arrow, Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE:  Yeah, I know.  Imagine how many people I could have saved if there wasn't a 30 day wait on assault rifles.

BLACK WIDOW:  Remember that just a few hours ago you were evil and killing innocent people.

HAWKEYE:  Meh.  Whatever. 

I Saw the Avengers Yesterday and I Have Only One Thing to Say:

His Attack Was Udderly Devastating

Epiphany

Captain America Recently Went Through an Entire Movie Without Punching a Single Nazi.

The Intersection Between Nationalism and Objective Reality

If you ever reach a point where you feel that someone telling the truth about your country is bashing your country, it means that your country has a problem.

It's a Complete Mystery

HANS:  Hey, Fritz!  Can you see any Americans dressed in drab khaki moving through the ruins?

FRITZ:  No, just a guy dressed in red, white, and blue carrying a big target."


Personally, I have always suspected that Captain America is completely colour blind.

CO2 is 20 Times More Soluable Than Oxygen and I Have the Fizzy Lollywater to Prove It!

The next time I lecture a group of puppets about the diffusion of gas and how CO2 is 20 times more soluable in water than oxygen, I will have to remember to ask them which gas is used to make drinks fizzy.  That should help them remember which gas has greater solubility.  Or at least it would if they had brains instead of polyester stuffing.

I Want My Bitty! Shaken, Not Stirred.

"I'm Sean Connery and not only can I get away with wearing a red nappy, I can fire the rifle cartridges I'm carrying from a revolver!  Why?  Because I'm goddamn Sean Connery, that's why!"

He Was Not Quite So Fortunate When He Peeled Nessie

Personally, I've always wondered what we'd find inside of Sean Connery if we shaved him.

Boffing Bond for Fun and Progeny

Enough is Enough!

I was just looking at Australia’s per capita electricity consumption. It climbed upwards pretty steadily for many decades until 2001, slowed, and has been more or less flat since 2005. Not bad considering that Australia mangaged to avoid punching itself in the economic gonads during that period. I read some stuff about improvements in lighting and water heating, but I think basically we got enough. Our rooms are bright enough, we’re cool enough in summer and warm enough in winter, our TVs are big enough, and cattle prod night down at Fight Club is shocking enough. If we want, from here on in, improvements in efficiency can reduce our electricity use while still leaving us enough.

Back to the Future Day Blows by in South Australia

I just realised I missed Back to the Future day for wind power in South Australia. That was the day the state's wind capacity reached 1.21 gigawatts which is the amount of electrical energy required to send a Delorean through time.

He Just Wanted to Get Further Advanced

Trouser Snakes on a Plane

Facist Grannies of the Internet

Dear Facist Grannies of the Internet,

Thank you so much for sending me the HILARIOUS chain emails that do so much to lighten my day and never make me lose all hope for the future of humanity and curl up into a fetal ball on the floor and rock back and forth. 

The latest email posed the question, "If someone has sex with prostitute against their will, is it rape or shoplifting?"  This is a tough question and to try to gain insight into the correct answer, I've hired a small band of mercenaries to abduct you, take you to a sugar cane plantation and force you to perform heavy manual labour using the threat of physical punishment.  I'm hoping we might obtain some enlightenment from your answer to the question, "Is being forced to work in a cane field from dawn to dusk under the threat of the lash for no pay slavery, or is it gardening?"

A Droid is Just a Midget's Way of Making Another Midget

Oedipus Treks

Damn! I Can't Reach My Mobile!

Happy Star Wars Day and Miserable Prequals Day.

Star Wars is like duct tape.  It started off great, but over time a lot of fluff got stuck to it, then suddenly all sorts of holes appeared and the stuff you get nowadays is complete rubbish.

But We Can Take Them To Visit Yours If You Like

How Could They Not Know What They Were Doing?

It's Amazing What You Can Achieve With a Funnel and a Blender

I Thought It Would Be More Poetic Than Putting It In Your Cocaine