Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Friday, September 22, 2006


From a speech on how the United States needs to cut greenhouse gas emissions and reduce oil use:

"It is, in other words, time for a national oil change. That is apparent to anyone who has looked at our national dipstick."

I'm right with you Al baby. Having to look at America's national dipstick is bad enough, but having to listen to him as well is torture. No wait, actually it's just merely annoying. Torture is what the White House does to spread freedom and democracy.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Traveling in the USA! - Tips from the Brakster

As I am widely travelled and have visited America and several other imaginary countries, I have decided to offer the following advice to anyone who wishes to follow in my footsteps and travel to the United States:

1. Do not start conversations with Americans by offering to guess their weight.  If you must guess their weight, do not overestimate so as to make them feel well fed and prosperous.

2. Do not discuss religion with Americans. If you must discuss religion with them, do not inform them that their god is a weak god, no matter how much evidence you have to support your contention. Do not point out that Quezocoutal the winged serpent would never allow himself to get nailed to anything.

3. Do not mention that your uncle used to work for Saddam Hussien. Pointing out that this was back when he was the United State's ally will not make it okay.

4. It is never fun to stay at the YMCA.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Ask Pope Ratzinger!

Benedict -- on the second day of a visit to his native Bavaria-- said that spreading the word of Jesus Christ was more important than all the emergency and development aid that rich churches like those in Germany gave to poor countries.

Dear Pope Ratzinger,

Yesterday I saw some starving people in Africa on TV. I want to help these poor people and I was wondering what would do the most good:

1. Pay for solar cookers so contaminated water can be boiled to prevent disease and to save women and children spending hours collecting firewood.

2. Pay for a well to be dug to provide access to safe water.

3. Contribute to a micro-loan fund that makes small loans to women so they can start businesses and boost the economic development of their communities.

4. Pay for medicine to save the lives of children.

5. Pay for a crate full of bibles and religious instruction materials.

Yours faithfully,


Dear Confused,

Of course your fifth option, sending a crate load of bibles and religious instructional material is the best way to help these people. For how does it benefit a woman to not have her children waste away from hunger and disease in her arms if she loses her soul?

If the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ saw poor people starving he would take pity upon them and show them mercy by telling them about the glory of God and the eternal reward that awaits them in heaven. But he wouldn’t actually do anything to help them.

Dear Pope Ratzinger,

I believe that as Christians we have an obligation to end poverty, especially the hunger and sickness that exists in the developing world. I believe that if the Catholic church and other denominations worked together we could eliminate poverty from the world. What do you think of my idea?

Yours truly,


Dear Hopeful,

The good Lord Jesus said that the poor will always be with us. By ending poverty you would be making Jesus into a liar, you sinful little man. Go to confession at once and we’ll have no more of this ending poverty talk. Do you know how hard it is to get people to believe religious dogma when they’re well fed and educated? Improving people’s lives just makes it more likely they will be eternally barred from paradise. What’s a little hunger and disease compared to eternal salvation?

Dear Pope Ratzinger,

Is it true that condoms contain microscopic holes that allow the HIV virus to pass straight through them and thus they provide no protection against AIDS?

Yours sincerely,

Sister Orgasma,

Dear Sister Orgasma,

Yes it is true that the HIV virus is smaller than tiny holes in condoms and so can pass straight through. You can prove this by attempting to fill a condom with water. It’s impossible as the tiny water molecules which are even smaller than HIV viruses instantly pour straight through the latex without stopping. Now some people claim to have actually tried this and state that water does not instantly pass through a condom. But I warn you, do not be led astray by science and reason. Blind faith is the key to heaven. Trust me on this.