He Was Not Quite So Fortunate When He Peeled Nessie

Personally, I've always wondered what we'd find inside of Sean Connery if we shaved him.

Boffing Bond for Fun and Progeny

The Man With the Golden Plaything

Goldfinger - Laughing it up Villain Style

Spoilers.

I've realise why I've been feeling so apathetic the past week or so. I've been suffering from depression. But I seem to be coming out of it, so hopefully it is all behind me now. Oh, wait a minute... I might only be feeling up because if the dark chocolate I had today. Tomorrow I might be plunged into a deep and dark pit of despair as I struggle with depression combined with caffeine withdrawal.

Caffeine is a very powerful stimulant for me. One can of coke is enough to turn me into a real joker. The Jack Nicholson kind of Joker. I once had an espresso in Japan and I blacked out for three months. I remember it was around the time of those sarin attacks in the Tokyo subway. I wonder if they ever got to the bottom of the Australian connection with that freaky cult?

Anyway, I've been wondering what I can do to emerge triumphant from the titanically apathetic war I've waging with depression for the past week and a half, and since I just watched the third James Bond movie the other night, I got to thinking that when James Bond wasn't actually around to bother him, the villain, Goldfinger, always seemed pretty jolly.

Goldfinger has fun cheating at cards and he enjoys boasting about his smuggling operation to a Chinese agent. When he has Bond at his mercy he enjoys taunting him, “No Mr Bond, I expect you to have your dick burnt off!” He has incredible fun explaining his plan to a bunch of hoodlums before gassing them. In fact, the only reason he invited the hoodlums there appeared to be so he could explain his plan and then gas them. It had no effect on the plot. I suspect that if James Bond hadn't been bothering him he would have spent the whole afternoon explaining his plan to groups of people and then gassing them. He would have loved it and so would his guests, up until the end part that is. The man is a born entertainer. His little get togethers are always a real gas.

And building his camouflaged military ambulance “laser” platform must have been a real hoot. And you know, this is why I prefer not to use German henchmen. Sure they're efficient, and sure they obey orders, but when you pull out cool stuff like a “laser” ambulance platform, you can see from the look in their eyes that they're thinking that it would have been easier to do the job with a kilo of thermite and a fuse. Sometimes Teutonic efficiency just gets in the way of enjoying life.

And let's not forget the scene where Goldfinger comes onto Pussy Galore. Pussy rejects him and his advances go nowhere, but I think just having the opportunity to come onto Pussy is pretty neat.

Goldfinger certainly seems to be a data point in the fat people are jolly column. So, if I want to be happier and less apathetic and depressed, should I try to be more like Goldfinger? Well, taking into account that Goldfinger is a fictional character in a movie that is only tenuously connected to reality, I'd have to say yes. Of course Goldfinger's actions were evil, but my own actions don't have to be evil. I can be a good insane megalomaniac fixated on power, economic domination, and burning the crotches off tall Scotsmen. (Trust me, the midget population of the world will thank me. We all know what tall Scotsmen don't wear under their kilts.) Now some people might say that it's difficult to be good while manipulating the world economy and “lasering” groins, but it's really quite simple. I'll just make sure I take the time to justify my actions first.

He's a Little Bit Like King Midas

The Original Goldfinger

James Bond Goldfinger and Misogyny

I just watched James Bond Goldfinger. I may have more to say on it later, but for now I'll just mention an example of the terrible sexism that is often seen in James Bond movies. The name of the female lead's character is Pussy Galore. Now that's just disgusting. The character was a strong confident female and they had to go and give her a name that suggests she's catty. That's pretty low. It's almost like they had to take her down a notch so people would know it's still okay to demean her even though she had ovaries of steel.

In fact, I don't think it is until near the end of the Roger Moore era that we get a female lead who doesn't have a sexist name with the NASA scientist Holly Goodhead. Her name at least suggests she has a high quality brain.

Movie Review – James Bond, From Russia With Love

Spoilers.

There's a new digital format that has come out called high definition. It can be viewed on disks called blu-ray. Just why they are called that I don't know. I presume that the laser that reads them is higher frequency than usual and therefore bluer, but I suspect that I am trying to make sense out of a marketing decision and that way lies madness.

I have watched three movies in this new format and I do enjoy the clear picture it gives. It lets one see important details that one might have otherwise missed, such as just what type of doors were used on trains in 1963. I could have noticed even more important details like this if the Director had the good sense to refrain from placing gun fights in the foreground.

While unlikely to be considered riveting by modern audiences, From Russia With Love, the second James Bond movie, does seem better paced than the first, Doctor No. But, as with all James Bond movies there are a number of things that don't make sense once you think about them, and any number of things that don't make sense without any thought at all.

I wondered what was the point of stealing a code machine if the the Russians will know it has been stolen? Surely this would result in them simply changing their codes? Or is the KGB just an incredibly lazy organisation that couldn't be arsed to change their codes even if James Bond walked out of their embassy with a code machine under his arm? But I suppose the machine could be very useful for decoding messages intercepted in the past even if it was of no use in the future.

But that's all par the course for James Bond. What really made no sense, even for James Bond, was when they suddenly segue from making a spy movie to making a women's prison exploitation movie and two unknown female characters suddenly started having a cat fight in front of Bond. I'm not sure why they thought this was a good idea, but I suppose that it might have happened something like this:

DIRECTOR: ...and then these two actresses will enter left and start making out on the table in front of Bond. Okay ladies, I want to see lots of passion and lots of tongue. Ready? Roll 'em!

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Wait! Wait! Cut! This is a terrible idea!

DIRECTOR: Really? From the looks of it, little assistant director thinks it's a great idea.

LITTLE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: All my fantasies have come true!

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy sapphism as much as the next overtly gay man, but it's 1963! If you put this in the movie it will be banned in so many countries only the Swedes will see it and the only jobs we'll be able to get in the film industry will be feeding stale popcorn to pigs.

DIRECTOR: You mean work in television? Oh god no! But what can I do? I have a really strong artistic urge for these women to get physical together and this is the sort of thing that sells tickets. How close can we get them to making out before we start getting banned? A spanking session maybe? A Romany spank inferno, perhaps?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: I don't think we can have women spanking each other in 1963, but maybe if they fought each other it would be okay.

DIRECTOR: Fight each other? But that makes no sense at all! It will just seem weird, especially to people watching the movie in the year 2012. But I guess it's the best we can do. Okay ladies, I want you to fight each other. I want to see real passion. Anger passion that is. Action!

And that might be how it went. But the woman on woman wrestling didn't go on for too long before it was interrupted by the attack of the Bulgars. In the resulting fight scene, James Bond wonders around, using various techniques to screw people over. But what is interesting is that he doesn't seem to have a side. His actions appear to inconvenience his allies as much as his opponents. It's as if he is on a mission to screw over Eastern Europeans in general. Actually, given that he works for MI6, that might actually be standing orders.

Anyway, after posing as a married couple, Bond beats his pretend wife and goes on to save the day, all while wearing a hat in any scene that takes place outdoors in the day. The amazing thing is that after losing his hat in a random helicopter attack, his need to wear a hat is so powerful he grows a new one after getting out of a truck. What was really impressive was that he was about to get into a boat so he managed to grow a natty looking Captain's cap. Now that's what I call talented.

Sip Sip Bang Bang

James Bond, Dr No

Spoilers below.

I just finished watching the very first James Bond movie, Dr No. It was interesting, but I'm afraid that I can't really recommend it, as even though it is James Bond it doesn't really move fast enough to suit modern audiences with their short – Oh look! A spider! Who's a cute little arachnid? Who's a cute little venomy wenomy little predator? Are you hunting? Is that what you're doing?

Oh wow! There's a bird!

Look! There's some butter on the ceiling!

Now where was I?

Anyway, as it was the first James Bond movie, they hadn't quite gotten the hang of witty/unwitty one liners yet. So, I thought I would offer the following additional one liners to fans who might want to mod Dr No. If you wish, I can record the following suggestions for you in my best Sean Connery.

After Bond has the spy he just slept with arrested and she spits in his face, Bond could say, “Thank you, but I've had plenty of your saliva today already.”

When Bond offers a cigarette to the white Felix Leiter, while totally ignoring the black Quarrel right next to him, a man who later dies fighting by his side, Bond could say, “I'm not racist. I'm just ignoring you because you're working class and don't have a vagina.”

After killing a tarantula he found crawling on him in his sleep, Bond could say, “It was hairy and in my bed, so I hit it. It was like using an Italian escort agency.”

When Dr No tells his guards, “Soften him up, I'm not finished with him.” Bond could reply, “If your men beat me I may soften, Dr No, but you may be surprised at how quickly I get hard again.”

When Dr No sinks into the boiling reactor water because his metal hands can't grasp the steel frame, James Bond could simply quip, “There goes Dr No grip.”