Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Actually, I have some more to say on the Avengers.

Well, I went and saw the Avengers movie yesterday, but I don't think the movie I saw was quite the same as the one everyone else saw, so it's probably just as well that I paid for my ticket with counterfeit money.  For example, the movie I saw had the following dialogue:

BLACK WIDOW:  You'd better get inside, it's going to get hard to breath out here pretty soon.

BRUCE BANNER: Since that's an ambiguous statement and this is a comic book movie, I assume you're telling me this aircraft carrier can fly?

BLACK WIDOW:  That's right.  We realised our enemies would always attack our weakest point, so to prevent that we've incorporated weaknesses into our millitary hardware so extreme our enemies would never dream they exist.  For example, building an aircraft carrier that has the main mode of failure of plummeting from the sky.

BRUCE BANNER:  Brilliant!  And I see that if it was attacked, any debris would immediately be sucked into those giant fans that are keeping it aloft.  Excellent work incorporating weaknesses there.

BLACK WIDOW:  Thank you.


NICK FURY:  Stark is working on a source of limitless clean energy, which is something this world sorely needs.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  If the world is hard up for energy, did you think of using whatever power source is holding this freaking aircraft carrier up in the sky?

NICK FURY:  Er, no I didn't.  I feel kind of stupid now.


BRUCE BANNER: Tell the universities to put their spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for gamma rays.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  You have no idea what a spectrometer is, do you?  What the fuck happened to America's education system while I was sleeping?  


NICK FURY:  Our flying aircraft carrier is going down!  Get us over water!

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So you not only decided to make the aircraft carrier fly for no reason, you also decided to fly it over a populated area while it was holding the guy who turns into the Incredible Hulk and another guy who is an evil god.  You know, I'm starting to think that Benedict Arnold was onto something.

STARK: I'm going to shout orders at you about how to repair this machinery.  I hope you don't mind.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  My name is America.  I think I'm used to being bullied by industrialists by now. 


THOR:  I am plummeting towards the ground inside a glass cylinder!  I must smash my way out before I hit the ground because that will completely change the force with which I impact!  Remember kids, Newton was a liar!


STARK: The barrier is make of pure energy!

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  What is pure energy?

STARK: Well, since energy equals mass by light speed squared, I guess matter is the purest form of energy.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  So the barrier is made of matter then?

STARK:  Er, yes.  Wibbly wobbly blue matter.


POLICE OFFICER:  Why should I take orders from you?

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  (Kills half a dozen foes in hand to hand combat)

POLICE OFFICER:  Are you really sure that you want Captain America, even indirectly, to be making the arguement that might makes right?  Seeing that it's the 21st century and all I was hoping for something a little more nuanced than, 'we should obey Mister America because he's good at killing people'.


BLACK WIDOW:  Your an astounding shot with a bow and arrow, Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE:  Yeah, I know.  Imagine how many people I could have saved if there wasn't a 30 day wait on assault rifles.

BLACK WIDOW:  Remember that just a few hours ago you were evil and killing innocent people.

HAWKEYE:  Meh.  Whatever. 

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