Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

James Bond, Dr No

Spoilers below.

I just finished watching the very first James Bond movie, Dr No. It was interesting, but I'm afraid that I can't really recommend it, as even though it is James Bond it doesn't really move fast enough to suit modern audiences with their short – Oh look! A spider! Who's a cute little arachnid? Who's a cute little venomy wenomy little predator? Are you hunting? Is that what you're doing?

Oh wow! There's a bird!

Look! There's some butter on the ceiling!

Now where was I?

Anyway, as it was the first James Bond movie, they hadn't quite gotten the hang of witty/unwitty one liners yet. So, I thought I would offer the following additional one liners to fans who might want to mod Dr No. If you wish, I can record the following suggestions for you in my best Sean Connery.

After Bond has the spy he just slept with arrested and she spits in his face, Bond could say, “Thank you, but I've had plenty of your saliva today already.”

When Bond offers a cigarette to the white Felix Leiter, while totally ignoring the black Quarrel right next to him, a man who later dies fighting by his side, Bond could say, “I'm not racist. I'm just ignoring you because you're working class and don't have a vagina.”

After killing a tarantula he found crawling on him in his sleep, Bond could say, “It was hairy and in my bed, so I hit it. It was like using an Italian escort agency.”

When Dr No tells his guards, “Soften him up, I'm not finished with him.” Bond could reply, “If your men beat me I may soften, Dr No, but you may be surprised at how quickly I get hard again.”

When Dr No sinks into the boiling reactor water because his metal hands can't grasp the steel frame, James Bond could simply quip, “There goes Dr No grip.”

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