Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Goldfinger - Laughing it up Villain Style


I've realise why I've been feeling so apathetic the past week or so. I've been suffering from depression. But I seem to be coming out of it, so hopefully it is all behind me now. Oh, wait a minute... I might only be feeling up because if the dark chocolate I had today. Tomorrow I might be plunged into a deep and dark pit of despair as I struggle with depression combined with caffeine withdrawal.

Caffeine is a very powerful stimulant for me. One can of coke is enough to turn me into a real joker. The Jack Nicholson kind of Joker. I once had an espresso in Japan and I blacked out for three months. I remember it was around the time of those sarin attacks in the Tokyo subway. I wonder if they ever got to the bottom of the Australian connection with that freaky cult?

Anyway, I've been wondering what I can do to emerge triumphant from the titanically apathetic war I've waging with depression for the past week and a half, and since I just watched the third James Bond movie the other night, I got to thinking that when James Bond wasn't actually around to bother him, the villain, Goldfinger, always seemed pretty jolly.

Goldfinger has fun cheating at cards and he enjoys boasting about his smuggling operation to a Chinese agent. When he has Bond at his mercy he enjoys taunting him, “No Mr Bond, I expect you to have your dick burnt off!” He has incredible fun explaining his plan to a bunch of hoodlums before gassing them. In fact, the only reason he invited the hoodlums there appeared to be so he could explain his plan and then gas them. It had no effect on the plot. I suspect that if James Bond hadn't been bothering him he would have spent the whole afternoon explaining his plan to groups of people and then gassing them. He would have loved it and so would his guests, up until the end part that is. The man is a born entertainer. His little get togethers are always a real gas.

And building his camouflaged military ambulance “laser” platform must have been a real hoot. And you know, this is why I prefer not to use German henchmen. Sure they're efficient, and sure they obey orders, but when you pull out cool stuff like a “laser” ambulance platform, you can see from the look in their eyes that they're thinking that it would have been easier to do the job with a kilo of thermite and a fuse. Sometimes Teutonic efficiency just gets in the way of enjoying life.

And let's not forget the scene where Goldfinger comes onto Pussy Galore. Pussy rejects him and his advances go nowhere, but I think just having the opportunity to come onto Pussy is pretty neat.

Goldfinger certainly seems to be a data point in the fat people are jolly column. So, if I want to be happier and less apathetic and depressed, should I try to be more like Goldfinger? Well, taking into account that Goldfinger is a fictional character in a movie that is only tenuously connected to reality, I'd have to say yes. Of course Goldfinger's actions were evil, but my own actions don't have to be evil. I can be a good insane megalomaniac fixated on power, economic domination, and burning the crotches off tall Scotsmen. (Trust me, the midget population of the world will thank me. We all know what tall Scotsmen don't wear under their kilts.) Now some people might say that it's difficult to be good while manipulating the world economy and “lasering” groins, but it's really quite simple. I'll just make sure I take the time to justify my actions first.

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