Fifty Ways To Fudge Your Data

The problem is all inside your ethics she said to me

The answer is easy if you don't take it logically

I'd like to help you in your struggle to earn a fee

There must be fifty ways to fudge your data

She said it is my habit to intrude,

Furthermore, I hope my meaning will be lost and misconstrued

But I'll repeat myself until it sinks in, dude

There must be fifty ways to fudge your data

Fifty ways to fudge your data

You just pick a new date, mate

Cherry picking's a plan, man

Be arbitrary, Mary

Get yourself a fee

Become a hack, Mack

Appear on radio that's talkback

Become like me, see

And you'll get a fee

She said it grieves me so to see you use your brain

Don't you know a little mistruth will gently ease the strain

And I said hypothetically speaking would you please explain

About the fifty ways

She said why don't you work all through the night

And through fatigue make mistakes you'll claim are slight

Then she paid me and I realised she probably was right

There must be fifty ways to fudge your data

Fifty ways to fudge your data

Ignore fact, Jack

Mis-scale a graph, Garth

Don't care who you destroy, boy

Just get yourself a fee

Claim conspiracy, Lee

Ignore ice free arctic sea

Lie like an Aussie PM, Sven,

And get yourself a fee

- not quite by Paul Simon