Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Koalas: Cute Scourge of Nippon!

My sea monkey friend, or rather, my friend who has sea monkeys, (as I have not yet befriended any of the brine shrimp that may be our future, aquatic, alien masters) has mentioned to me that she doesn’t think that koalas are a feral scourge upon the face of Japan as I alluded to in my previous post. She has even gone as far as to support this contention with, “facts,” and, “evidence.” Such as the, "fact," that, to a first approximation, there are no eucalypt trees in Japan that are necessary for the survival of the koala species. But this rather naïve viewpoint ignores the existence of Japan’s huge pharmaceutical manufacturing base that could easily be subverted to produce the aromatic chemicals required for their survival by an organized cable of koalas. But leaving such speculation aside, I prefer to believe the evidence of my own eyes.

At one point while in Japan I was standing before a set of elevator doors in a shopping centre, waiting for them to open so I could go upstairs to play the Village People’s Y.M.C.A on the electronic taiko drums, as was my habit. I was caught completely unawares when the elevator doors opened to reveal a young girl wearing a koala t-shirt and a koala backpack, with koala ribbons in her hair and carrying a koala purse in her suspiciously doubled thumbed hand. The waves of cuteness emanating from her body lifted me off the ground and hurled me twenty feet through the air until I smashed into a taco-yaki, or octopus ball, stand. So forgive me if I’m not as complacent as certain sea monkey owning people are about the koala threat Japan faces.

I also had to pay for the octopus balls that were damaged, but fortunately they weren’t too expensive when you consider the fact that at best each octopus only has two.


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