PAID ADVERTISMENT – Professionally Aged Sex Dolls for the Discerning Gentleman

Gentlemen (and yes, we are all gentlemen, even those of us who pretend to be otherwise online), we all know what the hardest part of being a connoisseur of sex dolls is. We've all felt the thrill of purchasing a new inflatable companion or having one come in the mail, only for the thrill to be followed by the inevitable heartache of having to wait eighteen years for it to reach the age of consent. And then, for some of us, this can be followed by the even greater heartache of having our advances rejected by a rubber doll.

But all this is a thing of the past now that sociallyenforcedlonliness.com has a range of pre-aged sex dolls available for selection. All are aged 18 and up and for those who desire an inflatable companion with whom they can comfortably discuss how people of other ethnicities are monsters, try our old Inga doll, who has been sealed inside our creepy cellar since the 1950s. She's Swedish, but we've played Learn to Speak English Good tapes to her for an hour a day for the past 60 years, so have no worries there.

All our lovely ladies and handsome gentlemen are sealed inside greasy casks specially designed to preserve rubber and plastics of all kinds. Our deceptively extensive underground storage facility is especially creepy and excessively disturbing, so any dolls you liberate from our clutches with your credit card will be particularly grateful towards the bold hero that saves them, and provided the lighting is dim when you unwrap her, even the least classically handsome or socially skilled purchaser could get lucky.

What is more, all our dolls are untouched by human hands. I've never used my hands when touching any of them. And what's more, our manservant, Igor, has been rejected as a member of the species Homo sapiens by three cladists and a local magistrate.

So don't delay, our operators are standing buy. And have no fear, unlike some unscrupulous people who have run similar advertisements to take advantage of good, honest, sexual deviants, our operators are not just looking for people to mock. They wouldn't dream of mocking you, and in fact are quite lonely and might actually call you up in the evening at random times just to have a chat.

Leave your contact details in the comments section below and we will get in touch and send you the inflatable, legally aged companion of your dreams. Why be lonely when you can start pretending that someone loves you today? Remember our motto, “Why rub one out when you can rubber one out?”