I have just had a very frustrating phone conversation with the the Manly Man Hummer Association. I called them to get the green light on some modifications I am performing on my Hummer, as checking with them is one of the conditions of my receiving a stipend for driving a Hummer while being such a manly man. Things started off on a bad note, literally, with there being strange noises on the line. You would think that in this day and age I would be able to pick up a telephone and call Riyadh in Saudi Arabia and get a clear connection, wouldn't you? And then they told me they don't approve of the modifications I am performing on the Hummer.
I just don't understand it. They approved my other modifications, the harpoon gun, the chain and ship anchor for emergency braking, the air compressor, the extractors, the afterburners, the lead weights for increased traction... But it seems that as soon as I try to make a change to improve its fuel efficiency, suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, I'm not allowed to do that. I threatened to go over their heads and call their parent organisation, the Saudi Arabian Oil Company, but the representative I was talking to just laughed to my ear. (If I'd been in the same room with him I'm sure he would have laughed to my face.) Well, I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of their position and the conversation went down hill from there.
I think the situation was made worse by my poor estimation of his English language abilities. I had assumed that his English wasn't good enough for him to understand what I meant when I called him a pustulent carbuncle fixated on procuring fetid dingo kidneys for diseased malefactors, but apparently he did. It seems that his years at Oxford were not wasted. As this point he started to refer to me as dude, as if I was some sort of Californian surfer or Ninja turtle. Anyway, to sever a long story short, I will no longer receive a stipend for driving a Hummer while being such a manly man.