Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Ha! I did it! I smuggled a chunk of Spurlock through Airport Security!

I did it! I smuggled a chunk of Morgan Spurlock through airport security! I am such a smooth operator. Which chunk of Morgan Spurlock you ask? The chunk of his thoughts, fears and humour he codified into the book, "Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?" The airport security person at the screening station did do a double take when he saw the picture of Osama Bin Laden on the back cover but didn't try to stop me. This could be because he was too terrified of my threatening presence to do anything or maybe I got through because he was a terrorist himself and a member of Osama's punk the American lickspittles club. Or maybe, just maybe, Australian domestic airport security actually has a modicum of common sense. (But I doubt it. It's much more likely my terrifying visage filled his heart with a surfeit of fear that quelled his courage in my opinon.)

It's a good thing I don't live in a free country. If I did I'd probably still be sitting in an airport interrogation chamber being questioned about what they'd discovered after performing an exhaustive "search" of my person:

AIRPORT SECURITY: And what is this?

ME: That's my breakfast.

AIRPORT SECURITY: And what is this?

ME: That's yesterday's breakfast.

AIRPORT SECURITY: If that's the case then perhaps you'd care to explain how it is we found today's breakfast prior to yesterday's breakfast?

ME: I'm very talented. And sometimes I have trouble letting go. Yesterday's breakfast is the only thing I have to remember my lungfish by.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Your lungfish?

ME: Yes, he drowned. But at least he died doing what he loved. Kind of like David Carradine in that respect. And what he loved was lying motionless at the bottom of a tank. So he was kind of also like a Tien an Men Square protester. But he did not die in vain. Just before he drowned we were able to perfect the technology required to upload lungfish into electronic form. We released the resulting cyber lungfish onto the internet where he went viral and he now lies motionless at the bottom of aquarium screen savers across the world. And he tasted kind of muddy.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Enough of your lies! You will now provide us with a list of your associates who may be planning to engage in harmless activity in airports so that we can stomp down on them as part of a magic ritual to appease the gods of terrorism so they won't send their suicide bombers against us!

ME: Well, my friend has a Megatron t-shirt and it's possible he could wear it to an airport and thereby blatently terrorise passangers with fictional autobot CGI extremism.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Excellent, excellent, tell me more!

ME: My grandmother constantly smuggles weapons grade titanium in her hip joint.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Good, good, go on.

ME: Every year I'm visted by a man who violates international airspace, along with his team of 12 caribou.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Yes, yes, don't stop.

ME: The guy next door has 27 guns, watches westling all day and has written a manifesto on why god wants him to hijack a plane and use it to penetrate the holo shroud that evil scientists use to hide heaven from the masses so people will believe in evolution. Here's a pamphlet he wrote called, "Why God Wants Me to Hijack a Plane and use it to Penetrate the Holo Shroud."

AIRPORT SECURITY: No, that information might actually be useful. We're more interested in pointless fear mongering through over reacting to inconsequential nonsense. Go back to telling me about the guy with the megatron t-shirt.


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