Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Pirates of the Caribbean Computer Game Partakes of Perspiration from a Deceased Pirate's Cannon Shot

I tried playing a computer game recently. It was a big mistake. I tried to play the Pirates of the Caribbean game because it was made by a company with a great reputation. However, this game proved that in the software world it is obviously possible to redeem yourself no matter how heinous the quality of the crud you produced in the past. I began to suspect that it was a bad game when I felt as though I needed an introductory tutorial to get through the introductory tutorial. Things didn't get any better when I found out that sword fighting consisted for the most part of holding your sword in front of your face while your opponents, instead of trying to hit you, would just swing at the sword. Every now and then they'd slow down giving you a chance to strike them, and they would eventually go down, probably gasping as they choked on their own blood about how you cheated by striking them instead of their sword.

But while the swordplay was boring, the pistol shooting was just disturbing. Your game character, Nathaniel Hawke, has a flintlock pistol, so you would think he would only be able to fire it once without reloading it. However, after firing his pistol he immediately puts it back in his pants and then when he pulls it out again eight seconds later it is fully reloaded. It makes me wonder just how is he managing to reload it while it is in his pants without using his hands? I think Nathaniel Hawke must be a very talented man, but his field of specialty does not lie in piracy. I think there are some bar owners in Thailand who would be quite interested in employing his services.

And as the game is called Pirates of the Caribbean, there is of course lots of daring action on the high seas, right? No, not right. There’s lots of deadly boring action, as dying repeatedly is boring. Sailing in the game went like this: Leave port, get attacked by someone, pirates maybe I don’t know, sink and drown. Reload, leave port again, run into storm and sink and drown. Reload again, leave port again, run into another storm and sink and drown again. Stupidly and against all reason, reload again, get to port on neighbouring island, run into dock while attempting to moor and sink and drown in port.

And what is it with games and loading times? And I don't mean having to wait for loading after you have completed an hour or two of play, I mean constantly having to wait for loading every three minutes or so:

ME: I walk from the docks to the town.

GODBOX: Loading town.

ME: What to you mean, loading town? There's nowhere flipping else for me to go, so why couldn't you have loaded the town while I was walking up that pointless beach?

GODBOX: Sheesh, it's only a minute. Keep your shirt on......Here you go, here's the town.

ME: I go to the tavern.

GODBOX: Loading tavern.

ME: Oh Christ on a stick...

GODBOX: .......................................................................
.................................Tavern wait.……..okay, it's loaded now, honest.

ME: I buy a bottle of rum.

GODBOX: You can't do that. It's a tavern.

ME: What?

GODBOX: Taverns are for hiring sailors. They have nothing to do with rum. You have to go to the town store for that.

ME: Sheesh, who does a pirate have to kill to get a drink around here? What am I supposed to do? Sing Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of tea? Okay, I go to the town store then.

GODBOX: Loading town.

ME: What do you mean, loading town? I was there only a second ago. How could you have forgotten what the town was like in that time? I was in a fricking one room tavern! How much of your fricking memory does that take up?

GODBOX: I'm sorry, but the universe is uncertain about the state of the town. It's quantum.

ME: Arrghhh!

GODBOX: Town loaded.

ME: I go to the store!

GODBOX: Loading store.

Me: Arrrrrrrrrrg!

GODBOX: Store loaded.

ME: I buy some rum!

GODBOX: Rum bought.

ME: I drink the rum and sing a pirate song.

GODBOX: Drinking rum is not permitted here. You will have to go to the tavern.

ME: ARRRRRGHHHH! (Pulls out pistol, shoots store owner dead.)

GODBOX: Would you like to reload the game?

ME: No, wait... Reloading my pistol feels kind of good.


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