Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Star Trekking across a really insignificant portion of the universe when you think about it. Oh, and um spoilers. Look out for them.

STAR FLEET DIRECTIVE 104-SPOILER: The following blog post contains a summary of events that occured in the latest Star Trek movie. If you are a Star Trek fan and haven't seen the movie yet, stop reading now. If you are a Star Trek fan and you do manage to stop reading, you are obviously not completely human. Report to Star Fleet headquarters at once to have that alien parasite removed from your brainstem.

I would have placed the following under a fold, but unfortunately, due to a HTML error, attempting to put a fold in a Blogger page results in a fold in the space time continuum. I asked Scotty about the situation and he said, "She canne take it anymore! She's gonna blow!" Unfortunately I didn't know if he was talking about the internet, the Enterprise or Kirk's latest girlfriend.


STARFLEET: James T. Kirk, could you tell us in your own words how you saved Earth?

KIRK: Certainly. After Vulcan was destroyed I disobeyed my comanding officer until he threw me off the ship. Then I reboarded the ship without permission and taunted the Captain about his dead mother until he had a mental breakdown. Then I took control of the ship. I can't believe I got away with that. Then, instead of beaming some nukes or photon torpedoes or our anti-matter filled reactor core over to the enemy Romulan ship, I beamed just myself and a guy who had just mental break down and had tried to kill me. I thought it would help us to bond. We shot a dozen Romulans and were able to evade the rest because Romulans have no concept of waste space. Then Spock stole a ship and got the Romulans to chase him away from the earth while I rescued Captain Pike. Fortunately we had enough time to do this as the Romulans didn't realize that a black hole on the surface of a planet will destroy it just as much as one in its core. Then all we had to do was crash a ship full of black hole juice into the Romulan ship and quite possibly cause it to get sucked through time again. Then Scotty ejected the warp core to propel us away from the black hole because going into orbit is for sissies. Scotty often uses a similar technique using a stick of dynamite to get his chevy into or out of difficult parking spaces. And that's about it.

STARFLEET: Kirk, you are a risk taking idiot who somehow managed to get lucky. As such, we have no problem handing over one of earth's few remaining starships to your command. We'll even let you choose as second in command a man who tried to strangle you to death on the bridge and who is having a relationship with a woman you have been stalking for three years. We forsee no possible negative consequences from this at all.


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