Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Godbox - Holiest of Gaming Systems

Dear Ronald,

As a God-fearing young woman who constantly brings up her relationship with Jesus in conversations with men in a way that seems to completely sexually neuter them no matter how perky my breasts are, I am interested in buying a Godbox game system to while away my long lonely nights in between bouts of ministering to the fold with my vibrating plastic Jesus alarm clock. So I was wondering what Godbox games do you recommend?

Yours truly,

Fatima Nofatinme

Dear Fats,

Well if you like driving games, “Grand Theft Auto: Sodom and Gomorrah” is okay, but I think you might actually prefer to play “What Would Jesus Drive?” But in that game I always play Muhammad and crush Jesus’s hybrid with my monster truck.

But what ever you do in that game, don't select God as your co-driver. If you do that a message flashes up on the screen saying, "If God is your co-pilot, swaps seats!" And then you're stuck there doing nothing while God racks up a perfect score. And the funny thing is that you lose points for running over innocent people, but it seems that God can get away with killing as many as he likes.

If you’re interested in Role Playing Games there’s not much selection. The Godbox does have one Dungeons and Dragons game, but it's not much fun because as soon as you start to play you go straight to hell and stay there until you turn the console off. Then when you turn the console back on you're still there burning in hell. It's not a lot of fun. I keep trying to restart and play it, but nothing ever works as it insists that damnation is eternal. When I played it the entire game went pretty much like this:

GODBOX: You are in the town of Bethlehem. Demons have been preying on local people. What do you do?

ME: I buy a potion from the Wizard Gandalf.

GODBOX: For the sin of consorting with a warlock your soul is damned. Go straight to hell, do not pass purgatory, do not collect eternal salvation.


At 6:47 PM, Blogger the amazing kim said...

I think you might have made that letter up, Mr Brak!

At 1:39 AM, Blogger Ronald Brak said...

That's a bit rich coming from someone who expects us to believe she/he looks like Willy Wonka. I assure you I changed no part of that letter except what was necessary to protect the identity of the innocent, plus certain nouns, verbs and adjectives and possibly the words "telephone account."

And speaking of Willy Wonka why haven't we had a movie yet that tells the truth about the horror that was Wilhelm Wonker and his chocolate factory full of twisted slaves? I mean have you ever stopped to wonder just how it was that Nazi Germany managed to increase the chocolate ration while fighting a war on two fronts? It is not a pleasent story.

At 11:00 PM, Anonymous The Bard said...

That Dungeons and Dragons game totally rips off the Lord Of The Rings universe.

You should definitely post here more often.


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