Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Thursday, March 08, 2012


ME: Well, it's time to settle down to a good solid evening of study.

STOMACH: Go buy me a bag of snickers!

ME: No, I'm not buying you a bag of snickers. I gave you cake today and now I have a headache as a result. I'm not making it worse by giving you snickers on top if it. What do you think I am, stupid?

STOMACH: Oh okay them...mutter mutter...where did I put that fake moustache?

MATURITY: Go buy a bag of snickers and use them to reward yourself for studying hard.

ME: Well that sounds like a reasonable and mature idea. But I can't buy snickers. I might eat them all tonight and that's not what natural selection had in mind when she gave us foresight.

MATURITY: You won't eat any tonight!

ME: I won't?

MATURITY: No, of course not! Not when you're feeling all mature! And you must be feeling mature, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

ME: Well I guess that makes sense. It would be mature of me to buy snickers and then not eat any until it was appropriate.

MATURITY: Good, good, it's settled then. Now go buy me some snickers.

ME: Wait a minute, what about all those other times when I thought I was feeling mature but I actually ended up acting immaturely?

MATURITY: That's because those times you weren't really feeling mature, you were actually feeling childish.

ME: But I remember feeling mature...

MATURITY: No, no, if you were feeling mature, then you would have acted maturely. Did you act maturely?

ME: No...

MATURITY: Then you obviously weren't feeling mature. If you had been, you wouldn't have acted childishly. But now you are really feeling mature, so it's okay, go buy some snickers.

ME: Well, I guess it might be okay if you're sure that I am truly feeling mature now. I do so ever like the idea of being mature and I would feel ever so good about myself if I bought snickers and didn't eat any tonight and only started on them tomorrow in a mature and responsible way.

MATURITY: Oh, I'm sure you'll be just ever so mature! I'm certain of it! This is you maturing and growing and developing as a human being! It's so beautiful, I... I think I'm going to cry.

ME: Oh, I'm so happy! Sniff! I think I'm going to cry too! Okay, I went and bought the snickers. I put them on a shelf in the kitchen. There just sitting there on the shelf, ready for tomorrow. Yep, just sitting on the shelf. Just sitting there, being full of sugar. Delicious, sweet, sugar...

MATSTOMACHTY: Feel the power of the hungry side! HA HA HAHAHA!

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