Jesus’ location found via logic.

I was sitting in my friend's car today when we passed a church. A church is a meeting place for members of the Christian religion, which originated in the Middle East. It first came to Australia about two hundred years ago, along with cricket, football and many other devotions. Despite differing in several respects from more traditional Australian beliefs, Christianity still remains fairly popular among those who are obsessed with the supernatural and almost all towns have at least one church.

In front of the church we passed was a sign that said, "TURN TO FACE THE SON AND THE SHADOWS WILL FALL BEHIND YOU.” Now this sentence becomes very interesting if you happen to know that the word "son" refers to Jesus, the son of God, who is a magician with many amazing powers. It is interesting because we can use this sentence to determine Jesus’ location. Now if everyone on earth who is currently in daylight turns so that the shadows fall behind them, there is only one place that Jesus can be, somewhere in space along a line drawn between the centre of the earth and the sun, extending from the equator to a maximum of about a sixth of a light year away.

Now some might say that Jesus could be located on the ground at the equator, but this is very unlikely as he would have to travel at approximately 1,670 kilometres per hour in order to keep pace with the noon sun. The shockwave caused by Jesus’ passage would destroy all structures in his path and cause the earth to become banded by a zone of destruction extending from the tropic of Capricorn to the Tropic of Cancer. Jesus is also unlikely to be found within the atmosphere, as he would be quite noticeable, careening through the air at supersonic speed. Nor is he likely to be near the earth as we haven’t been able to detect Jesus with telescopes. We know that Jesus must be within a sixth of a light year of our planet; otherwise in order to maintain his position he would have to travel faster than light and would therefore be a tachyon. It is also unlikely that Jesus is travelling at high relativistic speeds, as the radiation he would release when colliding with space dust would be detectable. Also, he would have to expend a phenomenal amount of reaction mass to maintain his position.

So logically, Jesus is most likely to be in the position that would require the least energy to maintain, but far enough from the earth so we wouldn’t have detected him yet. This would be in Earth’s orbit on the far side of the sun. This position could be easily maintained for over 2,000 years with no expenditure of energy whatsoever.

I propose the immediate start of a program to deploy space-based telescopes far enough away from the earth that they can detect Jesus in his orbit. Just how sensitive these telescopes would have to be in order to detect him is open to debate, as there is much disagreement over Jesus’ albedo, or how much light he reflects. Despite many representations of Jesus showing him to have a very high albedo indeed, historical data suggests his albedo is actually likely to be mid to low.

However, once Jesus is detected, it could be used as an argument against sending humans to mars. Putting people where shadows would not fall behind them if they faced Jesus could cause the son of God to pass through some sort of Roche limit of the faith and break into a circular cloud of debris. Personally however, I think he is much more likely to be forced to plunge into the sun and burn. Ouch! Poor Jesus!