Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Friday, October 28, 2005

I and the Bird - And Poison!

I should have mentioned this earlier but there is a new edition of I and the Bird at Girl Scientist. It has one of my posts, which if I dare say so myself, exceeds or perhaps even meets my own standards for quality.
I'm a little slow informing you because yesterday my friend and I were both laid out with terrible food poisoning, and the only thing we had to eat in common was the product of a big international food company. I have since called this company and as a result of my savvy negotiating skills they have agreed to confiscate the remaining evidence and pay me three dollars. I considered asking for the thirteen dollars I spent on sports drinks to rehydrate myself, but the three dollars up front was just too tempting. I suppose I have grounds for a civil suit, but I think I'm perhaps just a bit too honest to go to court:

DEFENSE LAWYER: Do you seriously expect the jury to believe that you deserve fifty thousand dollars for a single bout of food poisoning?

ME: No, but I was hoping you wouldn't ask that question.

DEFENSE LAWYER: You have stated that you lost four kilos of bodily fluids over a 24-hour period. In your opinion would you say that's a lot?

ME: Um, yeah.

DEFENSE LAWYER: So you admit that you lost a lot of weight over a very short period of time? From your appearance I can see that you are coated with a somewhat excessive layer of blubber. Don't you think you should be grateful that my client helped you lose weight by accidentally including a miracle, bacteria based, weight loss formula in your food, you walking tub of lard?

ME: Well, the whole experience was quite painful.

DEFENSE LAWYER: Painful? Ha! Your honour, I'd like to call a leper to the witness stand.

LEPER: Due to a degenerative nerve disease I am unable to feel pain. I would give anything to feel pain again and quite frankly I am disgusted that anyone would talk about feeling pain as a bad thing. And by the way, we prefer to be called Hanson disease sufferers nowadays, not lepers.

DEFENSE LAWYER: Yeah, whatever. Your honour, I rest my case.

ME: Is it too late to take the three dollars?


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