Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Professors and Elephants and Komodos Oh My!

A Tasmanian professor has suggested that komodo dragons be released onto the Australian mainland. This is an interesting idea because one thing that Australia currently lacks is a large carnivore that bites people, let's them run, and then relentlessly hunts them down by tracking the scent of their blood until they succumb to a combination of blood loss, venom, and bacterial infection. At the moment we don't really have an animal that can kill you those three ways all at once, but now that I've been made aware of this lack, I can't say I really feel the need for one. I feel much the way I did after Sister Geraldine explained to me what a conscience is.

So why would the professor possibly think this is a good idea? Well, it might not be good for mainland Australians, but I think it is important to note that we are talking about a Tasmanian Professor and Tasmania is an island surrounded by cold water currents that a komodo dragon can not swim. I think he might just want us to pay for the fact that during the opening ceremony of the 1980 Commonwealth games they left Tasmania off the map of Australia made from school children. Either that or he's some sort of Pokemon fanatic and when it comes to feral animals he has to collect them all.

Sure he says the komodo dragons would control feral animals such as goats, but our feral goats are a multimillion dollar export industry and lets face it, what has more meat on it and is easier to chase down, a scrawny old goat or the average Australian hominid? I think he's being quite honest when he says the komodo dragons can control feral animals, I just think he might be hoping we forget that we're a pretty feral bunch ourselves.

However, I do like his idea of introducing elephants to Australia for moral reasons. Elephants are highly intelligent animals and I think with a bit of effort we could learn to communicate with them which would enable me to talk them into committing suicide so we can ethically harvest their meat.

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