Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Aquatic Exercise for Fun and Profit

I've recently started swimming. Started swimming again that is. I've always been able to swim. After all, there was amniotic fluid in my mother's belly and once I took out the competition there was plenty of room for backstroke.

I was told that swimming is a good low impact exercise that can help one recover from injuries, especially the sort that often result from escaping an exploding lair. Lies! All lies! My De Quervain's Syndrome has flared up! Damn you, De Quervain, damn you!

I've noticed that I appear to have a higher than average tolerance for pain. This is not a good thing. The line between this hurts a bit and crippling injury is a very fine one for me and I keep stumbling over it.

So there I was in the water, suddenly realising that the nagging pain I had been vaguely aware of for the past couple of days was coming from my hand and was being made worse by swimming. So I took the practical course of learning to swim with one arm. I can't believe I've managed to live this long without ever practicing it. This sort of basic skill could be a life saver. Let's say I am in an exploding lair, clinging to some machinery which an explosion causes to topple into a pool of boiling reactor water and, as tonnes of metal crash down on me, the water turns red and an arm floats to the surface. Well, if I am ever going to have a pleasant dinner with the person who caused my lair to explode while I explain all my plans to him again, then I had better know how to swim with one arm. This applies even if we later totally ignore the arm floating on the surface, or if it turns out to be somebody else's. And it still applies even if I just end up wearing an unconvincing prosthesis that just looks like I'm simply wearing a black glove. Some things are worth doing properly.

After mastering the art of one armed swimming, I considered the fact that this wasn't going to be of any benefit to the muscles of my off arm. After all, if I become involved in a test of strength I want to make a good show of it before I finally succumb to the greater power exerted by my lithe, athletic, sinewy opponent. For this reason I developed a method of swimming to prevent aggravating my injury that involved curling the fingers of each hand into a ball. I call it fisting.

I think I may really onto something here. Fisting could be the next new health craze. I can see it now, a whole line of fisting DVDs. I want to cover all demographics, so I'll have Fisting for Men, Fisting for Women, Granny Fisting, Fisting for the Disabled, Fist your way to Health, Fisting for Fun, and for the Americans – Fist Your Way to Wealth. I'll charge a lot for that one because if you tell an American they can make money from something they'll dig deep.

Of course the appeal will be somewhat limited because not everyone has access to a pool, but this doesn't mean I won't be making money hand over fist. One of my goals is to market to big companies. Take a company like Google for example. Imagine what would happen if just one in ten of their workers started fisting in the company pool. Just think about it. The consequences are mind boggling. It would be enough to start an awesome new craze! And these people would no doubt be willing to pay a lot of money for personal fisting training. Sure they could probably learn fisting just as well from watching the DVDs, but for these sort of people it's all about buying a unique experience and my fisting training can give that to them. They'll probably bend over backwards to get personal fisting training from me and I'll extract a double fist full of cash each time.

Of course I'm not limited to pools. I'll produce a DVD called Ocean Fisting. In fact, I think I'll film one with a variety of aquatic creatures in the background and call it Dolphin Fisting. I can think of one demographic that should really appeal to – New Agers.

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