Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Unable to Sleep. Kept Awake by Huge Brazilian Dong.

Being the globe trotting jet setter I am, I took a flight early this morning. It was on one of those new Brazilian Embraer jets. Well, I say new, but it was probably a few years old, but that's still new for an airplane. Being made of aluminium they don't rust and so are often flown until the metal gets tired of being an airplane and becomes fatigued.

Not long after take off I wrapped a blindfold around my eyes (I always carry one in case I have to face a firing squad at short notice), and tried to go to sleep. Unfortunately, as soon as I started to drift off, to my surprise, I was slapped in the ear by a huge Brazilian dong. It was so big it hurt. I sat bolt upright, tore off my blindfold and looked around angrily and tried to spy where the aural invader had come from, but there was no sign of what had caused the big dong to be unleashed. Warily I replaced my blindfold and attempted to fall asleep again, but no sooner had I started to drift off than the big Brazilian dong returned to assault my ear holes for a second time. “God dammit!” I fumed, why do Brazilians have to have such big dongs! Little dongs in my ears would be fine, I could ignore them, I might even find them pleasant! But huge dongs are just a pain in the behind!” Judging from the expressions on the faces of the passengers and cabin crew, it may have been better if I hadn't said that out loud.

“Excuse me,” I asked a cabin crew member, “But is there anything I can do to stop huge Brazilian dongs hurting my ears?” She suggested I try Vaseline. Then the plane unleashed the huge dong for a third time and simultaneously the fasten seat belt light went off. I now knew what caused the loud dong sound to slap my ears so painfully. Hopefully, if we avoided any further turbulence, I would only have Brazilian dong in my ears once more before the plane landed. And when it happened I would be prepared with both ears filled with Vaseline. It worked very well and completely stopped the big Brazilian dong from hurting. I felt quite pleased with myself.

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