Ian Plimer - Evil Genius
Last night I spent the night in Ian Plimer's guest room. As you no doubt know, Professor Plimer is a Geologist, a highly intelligent man, and an idiot. He's a geologist who has done some very intelligent work in the past and an idiot who has decided that there is no such thing as anthropogenic global warming. In attempting justify this decision he has gotten some very basic geology wrong, such as getting the amount of CO2 emitted by volcanic activity off by two orders of magnitude.
So I was lying there in the guest bed, wondering how he could make so many stupid mistakes when it made him into such a laughingstock, when I casually looked over at the book shelves that lined one wall. Fortunately I could see quite clearly as I was wearing my night vision goggles. (They come in very handy when one enjoys spending nights in people's guest rooms but may not technically be a guest.) I noticed the title of one book and everything clicked into place. Plimer isn't an idiot, he's a genius. An evil genius. It all suddenly made sense. It's not that he doesn't believe in human caused global warming, it's that he wants more of it and so is trying to convince other people that it doesn't exist. The title of the book was Great Dishes of the World and from this I was able to deduce the unavoidable conclusion that Ian Plimer wants to cook the planet.
Whether he is in league with some Galactus type villain who will do most of the eating, or if Plimer is a geological gastronome himself, I don't yet know, but I intend to find out. I knew a stool sample could help me determine his dietary habits, but the only thing available in the guest room was a chair. To investigate further would be to break the code of the Phantom Guest, so I made my way out the window and disappeared into the night in my purple pyjamas. But it won't end here, Plimer. No one cooks and eats the planet on my watch and I don't knock off until eight-thirty.