Ronald Brak

Because not everyone can be normal.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Snakes on a Plane!

BIOLOGIST: Captain, the plane is full of snakes!

CAPTIAN: Okay, we'll arm ourselves with makeshift weapons and form squads and hunt them down one by one and beat them to death.

BIOLOGIST: Well actually all we have to do is turn off the plane's heating and since they're cold blooded they'll fall unconscious.

CAPTAIN: Don't give me that science crap! Next you'll be telling me you believe in global warming!

BIOLOGIST: But it's the truth! If we turn down the heat the snakes won’t try to bite us.

CAPTAIN: Yeah, well even if it's true, can you guarantee that no one will be bitten before the snakes fall unconscious? Can you be absolutely certain?

BIOLOGIST: Well I can't be 100% sure...

CAPTAIN: Then we have no choice! As long as their is even a one percent chance of an American airline passenger being bitten, we have to hunt the snakes down and beat them to death with carry on luggage bags, no matter how many passengers die in the process! Turn down the heat you say? I say let’s turn up the heat on these bastards! I say bring it on reptiles!

BIOLOGIST: But turning down the heat is a simple, effective solution! The snakes thrive on the heat we provide!

CAPTAIN: I’ll not ask a single one of my passengers to do without the heat they've become accustomed to. To do so would be to admit the snakes have already won.

BIOLOGIST: You're crazy!

CAPTAIN: Yeah? Well I say you're objectively pro-snake!

BIOLOGIST: But I told you how to defeat them!

CAPTAIN: A victory by your means would be worse than defeat! We must fight them in a way that sends a message to all snakes!

BIOLOGIST: That's insane! Snakes can't communicate! They respond to individual threats! If we turn the heat down they'll become much less aggressive and then we can land and get some professional reptile handlers to capture them.

CAPTAIN: The reason why we've never been able to defeat the snake menace is because of people like you! You want to turn down the heat! You want trained snake handlers to capture them! Well I tell you, the only thing snakes understand is force! The only way we can be safe is to exterminate them! After all, they hate us for our homeothermism! In fact, you’re looking a lot like a snake to me!

(The Captain beats the Biologist to death with piece of carry on luggage. A snake falls out of the luggage and bites the pilot on the arm. The pilot ignores the snake as it escapes and then he sits in his chair.)

CAPTAIN: I can pilot this plane better than anyone. Only I can see where we should be going, the proper course to take. And the snake venom in my veins just makes me more qualified, not foaming at the mouth crazy. Hey, what are those skiers doing up here in this cloudbank?


At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Vince said...

I love your work, but it's to far and few between. I'm like an addict, I need my regular fix

At 10:58 PM, Blogger Ronald Brak said...

Okay, I've gone and added something just for you and my hoards of adoring fans. I'm not sure if what I've written will be right up your ally, but here's to hoping its ally upping quotient is relatively high. And speaking of ally upping, how's Neil the Monster? I can still remeber how he used to zip in and out of allys like a mugger with ameboid dysentery. Ahh, memories... there's nothing quite like 'em to make you want to top yourself.


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